I lost the cap for my mechanic pencil. The mechanic pencil is precious because it traveled from Hokkaido to Malaysia in an auntie's bag a few years ago. I linked a special moment with that pencil. Now, the cap is gone. And, the special moment doesn't seem to be special anymore too. Is this a coincidence?
Since last week, I had been quite emotional. It happened after the Tuesday night I saw him on SKYPE. It was a while ago since I last saw him moving in front of me. The connection was bad and we gave up most of the time until that night. I saw him for one whole hour. His eyes were most of the time focusing on the screen. The eyeballs were rolling from left to right for a few thousand times. Occasionally, I noticed his smiling face, but I had no idea whether he was reading a humurous joke or the equivalent funny MCA drama. And, I did not ask.
Then, I got impatient throughout the days before meeting him. I wasn't sure whether there was anxious anticipation, nervousness or uncertainties. Basically, activities were there to keep my mind away. But, I just did not feel that I was giving my usual composure in handling situations.
So, there was really happy water tubing, water treasure hunting, water rafting, nice picnic in the Sedim jungle and Hard Rock party. I went on stage again to MC and tried to conquer my shaking confidence in doing public speaking. I was thrilled and excited at the same time. However, when everything was done, the satisfaction was just not adequate to lift my spirit up for at least another 30 seconds. I was back in the thinking mode. Many thoughts were running through my mind. Many thoughts would be an understatement. It should be infite thoughts.
Finally, I was there. Seeing him was happy. He could not stop talking, pointing left and right to tell me his stories. We went to IKEA and Bugis. We rowed at the lazy chair, sat on the bed and pretended to be in the shower room. Then, we took a shuttle to get out of Tampines. At one point, I fell asleep inside the bus with him sitting besides me. I realized how much I missed him before I started to dream of myself in short hair again. I kind of back to the time when I first knew him. Then, we went to Bugis to walk in the weekend market. As usual, we tried out the finger food and fell in love with the sour soup drink. :) We got two pillows for his new place. Then, that was really time to go back to take a rest because I was dead tired and dehydrated.
The next thing I knew was we were rushing to cross the border to let me meeting up with my university mates for Mei Zhen's wedding. Suddenly, I felt so miserable. We had barely seen each other for 12 hours after 3 weeks. I cried in the bus. You might think that was the most embrassing thing I can do to myself, right? Four hours later, I was drunk for many reasons. Of course, Donkoi was one of the many reasons. According to my friends, I danced with a gay in the pub, bullsh*ting in Soon Huat's car nonstop, fell asleep at mamak store table and etc.
Waking up 730am the next morning with no sign of hangover. However, I know I can no longer live in denial state. I was indeed unhappy and upset with many minor things. I continued to think and think for a few days after that. I was caught in the situation with doubts and emotions. I am not sure anyone noticing it or not.
When I am not talking, I am actually still pondering in agony about things I don't understand/try to understand, like how would I let him leaving Malaysia in the first place, how would I allow people taking advantage of me in life, how would I see people claiming the credit for something that I contributed and how would I just choose to be silent in the unjustified occasions. Finally, I drew up a conclusion and I will try to follow it again - be strong and everything is going to be ok. Dwelling at all the upset incidents are not going to do me any good, Donkoi would say. Won't you, Donkoi?
Let's see my happy times sandwiched in between of my confused and sadness. These are the true moments, which I was breathing, feeling and smiling like a person with no worries.
In Hard Rock Hotel with my new dress, which I bought to cheer myself up,
but the happiness was gone the moment I took it off. Why?
Their craziness is unbeatable - surrounded the dustbin to eat Sao Pau in Mei Zhen's new place
before the actual dinner in the restaurant.
Lavender cafe in Senai airport with Yun Mei.
The decoration at the wall is nice.